crap nobody cares about but me

I have been prompted by Estella's list, to compile a list of movies that I like, no matter what you say. Here it is:

1. Tank Girl - Lori Petty as a wacked-out, Cole Porter singing anti-hero and Naomi Watts as Jet Girl. I loved this movie. I own this movie. This one produced one of the most oft-quoted movie lines in my house: "I have 2 words for you: Brush Your Teeth!"

2. Empire Records - I was in love with Lucas then, and I liked him as Speed on CSI Miami. (Unfortunately, he is Speedle no more, as they killed his ass of in the season premiere episode.) This movie is totally guilty of fueling my fantasies, and I tried to make my Blockbuster store be a place like Empire, where my employees loved to come to work, and everyone had a good time. Unfortunately, nobody shaved their head, and we had the mandated, eternally looping "trailer tape" playing instead of music, but it was still a good place to work... for a Blockbuster, anyway.

3. Victor/Victoria - (holy shit, this is going to make me sound old!)When I was younger, we had a Disc Player (one of those ancient ones that played the discs the size of record albums, that you had to turn over halfway through the move), and we owned this flick. Once, I put my crappy little tape recorder up next to the television to record the music so I could listen to it anytime I wanted to. And sing along, at top volume, truth be told. Apparently, I'd never heard of a Soundtrack.

4. Gone In 60 Seconds - I'm not a Nic Cage fan in general, but this movie makes me whoop outloud. The soundtrack is fun, the cars are cool, and Angelina Jolie is hot, even with the unfortunate hairdo.

5. Christmas Vacation - Yes, it's silly. Yes, it's traditionally considered bad. Yes, I love it, and own it, and watch it every holiday season, at about the point where I've had my fill of advertising madness and mass consumerism in general. When I need to feel better about how bad I really don't have it - there's nobody even remotely resembling Cousin Eddie in my family... and that's something to be thankful for, isn't it? It still makes me cringe, and squirm, and laugh every. single. time.

6. Jumpin' Jack Flash - it's a gas, gas, gas! One of my favorite things about movies that feature computers and typing is the fact that everyone is depicted as having mad typing skills. I don't know about you, but I don't think I've EVER seen anyone as fast or as accurate as Ms Whoopi. I also love this one more the more dated it gets. The technology looks like it was from the stone age by comparison.

7. The Replacements - I love football movies. Period. This one contains the bonus of the cheerleading tryout scenes, which make me nearly pee my pants every time.

As I look back at the list, I realize that I do, in fact, own every one of these films. And it probably hasn't been more than a year since I watched any one of them, with the possible exception of Tank Girl - and that's only because I don't own it on DVD, and my VCR bit the dust a few months ago. Hmmm... have they released it on DVD yet??

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Call Me Juror #8

Right. I'm on the jury. For Real.

Shit.

Lessons learned this week:

1. Bring one of these, because it helps with the numbing of the ass.
2. No matter how good the notes you take are, your fellow jury members' notes will be different. And they will suck. With a vengeance.
3. Don't even fuck around with trying to get yourself voted the foreman... just sit back and let the village idiot volunteer, then take over.
4. Abandon all hope of following any instructions given by the judge. Even though you have a printed copy of them in front of you.
5. Make a big show of ripping up said instructions and tossing them about in complete frustration. This is drama at it's finest.
6. Hang that mother if it's necessary, but don't you dare give in to that cadre of conspiracy-loving, evidence-ignoring asshats.

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How To Be A Bad Mother: Lesson 1

Some days I really suck at being the Mom.

My youngest daughter, while usually happy and smiling, is lately displaying tendencies for foul moods and vengeful fantasies. No idea where she gets THOSE from, but that's beside the point.

So, the other evening, she stomps into the living room, and flops down on the couch, arms crossed, frowning so severely her normally separated eyebrows were touching. I knew what her malfunction was about, but I decided to try and help ease her out of her potential fit. (She was upset because her big sister has lately been opting to take baths and showers by herself, thereby alienating her little sister.) So, I questioned her about what was wrong (she has a very compelling need to be heard, in her own words, lately) and decided that a little sympathy might go a long way in this situation.

Mom: I'm sorry, sweetheart! It's tough being the little sister sometimes, isn't it?
Roo: YES! (insert pouty lip)
Mom: I know. But your sister has a right to some privacy, don't you think?
Roo: No.
Mom: Come on. You like to take baths by yourself sometimes, right?
Roo: No.

I should have seen, right about here, that my plan was going to fail miserably. She is not often difficult to coax out of a bad mood, but it's getting more difficult all of a sudden. But I took another stab...

Mom: Ok. So.. what would you like me to do about it?
Roo: MAKE her!
Mom: What? Make her let you in the tub?
Roo: Yes!
Mom: Well... I'll go make the request on your behalf, but if she says no, that's it. I'm not going to force her. Ok?
Roo: ... (incoherent grumbling) ...

I went. I inquired. I was shot down. I tried to reason, but got reasoned back. No problem. I get it. It was just a token request anyways - I already knew the answer.

Mom: Sorry, babe. She wants to be alone. How about we do something else?
Roo: I HATE her!
Mom: What?
Roo: I HATE HER! She's mean to me!
Mom: Oh.. come on. She loves you, and you know it. Stop that. It's just a silly bath. Go in my bathroom if you're dying to get clean.
Roo: (with a great big huff) I don't want to.

Alright. If I had quit here, everything would have been fine. But no. I can't stand it when she says she hates things. It bothers me - especially when I know she's just doing it because she knows I can't stand it. I decided to see how she would react if I gave her a choice with a twist.

Mom: Wow. I didn't realize you were so unhappy. What should we do about it??
Roo: I don't know.
Mom: Well... we could always trade her in for a dog. How would that be?

* side note 1* - my children want a dog so badly that it's not even funny any more. (We've been debating the merits of pet ownership, and they're so into it that they've already taken to referring to "our dog", that we don't even own yet, by his formal name: Legolas.)

Ok, now. Given the fact that she's normally suceptible to my attempts at guilt-tripping her when she gets out of hand, I suspected things would make an abrupt U-turn at this point. So I've dangled the fondest wish of her grinchy little heart in front of her - don't know why I didn't expect the obvious. I have officially stepped into the minefield - way into it. Getting out is going to cost me a limb.

Roo: (more genuinely excited than I've ever seen her before. ever.) CAN WE ??!!??!!
(I think my mouth actually fell open at this point, and it was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud)
Mom: Um. Uh. (shit shit shit shit shit. what now, genius?) Well, sure we can. Let me just make a phone call.

I'll spare you further blow-by-blow, but here are the highlights:

- I called, and ordered a Miniature Dachsund, in exchange for one 8-year-old big sister.

- It was decided that everything belonging to the big sister would be packed up and shipped off with her. Whatever she didn't take should be thrown away, because, "it's all just crap anyways".

- When the arrangements were final, she asked, in excited tones, if she could tell her sister herself that she was being booted from the family. I was all too aware that I was in trouble, and I needed some five-star help, so I brought in the big guns, and we called Grandma "just to let her know what was up". That conversation consisted of notification, justification, and blatantly excited guessing as to the eventual fate of the big sister. When asked where the big sister would be going to, Roo ventured to guess, "I don't know - China maybe. Or Hawaii".

- In a vain attempt at retrieval, I drafted the offending big sister, who cried and moaned and was a generally brilliant actress.

Any and all attempts at making the rotten little monster feel even remotely guilty for gleefully planning the dismissal of her sister failed miserably. As a last ditch, I supposed to the big sister that it really wasn't fair, what was being planned, and wasn't she here first, and didn't she think that maybe it should be the other way around. At which point I got on the phone again and corrected my "order" to a 5-year-old girl instead of an 8-year-old girl, and she went all hysterical. I mean, really.

So, we had the conversation that should have been had about 30 minutes prior, about family, and how we're stuck with each other whether we are always happy about it or not, and how there's noplace on the planet that would let me trade in one of my children for a dog (I'm aware that's probably not completely true, but she'll learn cynicism and all that later - this day panic and paranoia were on the menu). She calmed down eventually, and they played together very peacefully the rest of the evening.

So, I'm aware that my parental stylings are weak and sad. They make for mildly amusing stories after the fact. I also started saving long ago for the eventuality that is psychotherapy, which, given the fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants nature of my decision making skills, would otherwise bankrupt me for sure. And I have to go now... CPS is here.

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Entry, the first:

welcome to my little attempt at blogging. (Blair, you should be proud, because it was you that prompted me to do this.)

I am confident that this will be not so much a blog as an online journal, but I'll make an attempt at linkage. Seems like most of the things I find on the internet have been around forever - I am so classically behind-the-times that it's not hardly amusing any more. But whatever...

So... in the interest of introductions, here's a list of 25 things you should know about me:

1. I am a redhead.
2. I have two little red-headed children: Madison, who is 8, and Kierstin, who is 5.
3. I am married to a prince among men, who goes by the name of Paul.
4. I was born on August 30th, 1968, which makes me older than I feel.
5. I am impatient in the extreme.
6. It takes about 3.2 seconds to annoy me, no matter the circumstances.
7. I swear more than I should.
8. I am completely dissatisfied with my physical appearance.
9. I am way too lazy to do anything about it.
10. I hate dieting, mainly because I hate being restricted or denied anything that I want.
11. I have a compulsive nature.
12. I spend WAY too much money on crap I don't need, and have difficulty accounting for the money I spend. It disappears, I tell you!
13. I have a younger brother, who is currently incarcerated. He has an affinity for cars that don't belong to him.
14. My mother is married to a man I detest.
15. I wish he would drop off the planet.
16. Most of my extended family lives within 1 hour of me. We get together monthly at my grandmother's house for dinner.
17. I work in IT - application design and development, with a side order of support.
18. I often have days were the only work-related things I accomplish are reading email, and checking my voicemail.
19. I like my job most days.
20. I had Hodgkins Disease 10 years ago. I am cured.
21. My marriage, while happy now, has not always been so.
22. My saintly, wonderful husband is not done with school yet. He is currently trying to finish, which is good, but it's getting old. Again, with the impatience.
23. I am less selfish than I used to be, but I am bitter about it.
24. I love to go to the movies.
25. I tend to exaggerate.

Kind of retarded, I know, but I had to start somewhere!

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the child dilemma

So. Here's the dilemma:

I have two children. Two little girls, to be exact. I think they're pretty cute. I'm considering posting pictures of them here, but it makes me nervous. Not that my little blog will be a hotspot for pedophiles or anything. And I'm not planning on posting naked pictures of them either. But the thought of some sicko finding photos of my kids and using them for things I don't even want to think about makes my stomach turn. I am mildly paranoid, can you tell?? So... I guess I'll stew on that one a little while longer.

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